You’ve seen them. You know them.
They are screaming toddlers in stores; they don’t give up their seats to the elderly; they talk back rudely, and they are selfish and inconsiderate.
Who are they?
They are kids you don’t like. They come in every age, race, gender, and size. Every time you see them or interact with them, you’d like to take them outside and whip some sense into them. A stern talking to wouldn’t cut it. They need some form of punishment, something that will help them see the error of their ways.
It’s not their fault. No kid is born a tyrant. At some point, they exhibited tyrant tendencies, and they weren’t checked. They were allowed to continue, and like a wound that’s left to fester, they became septic.
It isn’t always easy. Some kids are tough to raise. They’re aggressive, obstreperous, and hard to control. Sometimes it’s easier to give in to their demands than to stand your ground and show them who’s boss. Who wants to be around a child throwing a tantrum in the middle of Costco? It’s quieter to let them have the chocolate-covered almonds.
But stand your ground you must. Failing to do so will result in you raising kids that nobody likes, including yourself. You love them. They are your flesh and blood. But you don’t like the way they behave. It’s rude, embarrassing, and possibly harmful.
As a result, you become a homebody. You don’t want to go anywhere with them. You get a babysitter when invited to a friend’s home for dinner, or want to go to the movies. You know that if you take them with you, it’s going to result in a scene.
You don’t want to resent your children. Remember why you had them in the first place. You wanted to add to your marriage, to bring some bundles of joy into this world, to make your house a home with laughter and joy, and to continue your progeny. Your intentions were good, and your motives were pure.
Now, I don’t want to brag but I’m going to. My wife and I raised three, great, kids. They are 27, 25, and 23 years of age now, and people like them. They are polite, respectful, and kind.
We like them too and are proud to show them off. When they were growing up, we took them everywhere. If they didn’t come, it wasn’t because we were afraid they were going to act up. It was because it was a grown-up-only affair. I would have loved to have more children, but that’s another story.
Let me tell you some of what we did to achieve such models of perfection.
1. We lived in a monarchy, not a democracy. I was the king, and my wife was the queen. What we said, went. We weren’t going to allow a two-year-old to vote or to have any kind of sway. There’s a difference between allowing a decision on what colour to paint her room and where to go on vacation. “You go where we take you, peasant!” As they got older and showed the ability to make sound decisions, we relaxed our stance. Somewhat. It’s more of a balancing act to give teenagers more rope and hope they don’t hang themselves with it.
Takeaway: They learned to respect authority. We never had any reports from teachers regarding bad behavior nor had any knocks on the door from the police.
2. One of us stayed home. It’s hard to quantify the importance of this decision. I think it’s the single most valuable event in the raising of our children. This article from verywellfamily.com cites some research that indicates that children of stay-at-home moms perform better in school and are less irritable, stressed, and aggressive. We didn’t want our kids to be latchkey kids. My wife was able to pick them up from school and when they were older, she was home when they returned home if they walked. There was always someone home when they needed help. That gives a child peace of mind.
Takeaway: Home was a safe place. If there was any trouble out there, they had a place of refuge, a place to rest and to be themselves. It’s calming to relate to people out there when you know that at the end of it all, you’ve got a place to go where you can relax.
3. There were consequences for disobedience. Delayed obedience was disobedience. We spanked early in their lives. It was usually a couple of fingers to the hand or the bum. Eventually, a look would suffice to show disapproval. In their preteen and teen years, any need for discipline was few and far between. I recall taking away a phone for a time or denying a sleepover at a friend’s. The main thing was consistency and seeing the punishment to its end even after remorse is shown. If it’s no computer for a week, then it’s no computer for a week.
Takeaway: No one likes to be punished. Consistency allowed our kids to know what we approve of and what we don’t. They didn’t have to guess. This included our expectations when interacting with others.
4. Respect was given not earned. Respect for another individual was expected to be automatic. It was theirs to lose not gain. We believed that being a creation of God meant that you deserved respect from the get-go and time would tell if it should remain. That meant being courteous; saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’; thinking well of someone, even without really knowing them.
Takeaway: You always treat people you respect well. As a result, they can’t help but like you.
5. Teasing, even in jest, was not allowed. I hate hearing someone getting teased. I even hate self-deprecation. I just didn’t want it in my house. One of my daughters recently reminded me of a time when one of my kids said something off-colour to the other. I flew up the stairs screaming my disappointment. I remembered that incident because when I left the room, I cried, dismayed that one of my kids would say that to the other. My reaction must have made an impact because it never happened again. At least not in my presence.
Takeaway: You want people to enjoy being in your presence. Any statements made should be encouraging and uplifting. Any rebuke should be made in love and with the intent to correct and restore.
6. If they started something, they finished it. We wanted them to be kids that people trusted to be reliable. Their word was their bond. If we paid for a year of piano lessons, they were finishing the year. No quitting in between. If they agreed to do something they were seeing it through to the end, from helping someone move, to learning French for a year. People learned that if our kids said they would be there, they would be there.
Takeaway: Being dependable is a big part of being liked.
Conclusion
No one is liked by everyone. I’m not even saying that being liked should be a goal. You don’t wake up and say, “Today, I want to be liked!” Being liked is a result of certain behaviours. I don’t have to list them. They are not even absolute. Some people don’t like the door being opened for them.
It has to be sad having children that people don’t want to be around. It doesn’t have to be that way.
I hope some of what I’ve listed can help.
What else can parents do to help their children become kids that they and other people like? Tell me in the comments!